I'm finally writing my memoir

The Other Side of Letting Go

Where the Rubber Meets the Road 

I sold my car, moved out of my house, quit my job, put the last of my life’s treasures in storage, distressed over a parting speech to my boyfriend, and said goodbye to family and friends, then this arrived in my inbox dated Tuesday, April 1st…“I am sorry to inform you that today the Peace Corps Country Director in Azerbaijan received a call from a high-level government official in Azerbaijan advising her that they want to cancel the entire Peace Corps training class. … This means that you will not be traveling tomorrow to Philadelphia and then to Azerbaijan to serve as a Volunteer.” It was 16 hrs. before I was supposed to board my flight and I doubted if the Peace Corps is a satirical comedian capable of an April Fool’s Day prank. The email went on to explain that they are hopeful my Placement Officer will be able to identify another assignment, elaborating that the US Government is trying to obtain clarification as to why they canceled at such a late date in the process. No explanation ever came.

The postings on the AZ-12 (Azerbaijan’s 12^th Volunteer group) Facebook page exploded.

Barah wrote: “was that phone call i just had serious?”

Alison, “April Fools???” “I mean I hope their kidding... Just quit my job and sold everything I own to be told I'm not going the day before I ship out...”

Danielle, “This will be my second short-notice reassignment. First Ukraine, and I was notified a month beforehand. Now Azerbaijan, notified the day before departure...”

Joey, “I put my whole life on hold and idk what to do if this doesn't work out” “What about student loans?”

Then, Susan had this sobering comment, “I'm extremely upset about this and have absolutely no idea how I'll manage the next several months. However, moving myself an inch off devastation, and hopefully not sounding too Pollyanna, I'm also realizing that the "business" we're in is to come to know others who're emerging from war, dictatorship, pestilence, starvation, mass murders and all the rest of it. I guess this devastation is a small taste of what they've been through and for us is really a first-world problem as we try to enter third-world countries. This news jars my expectations in one of those damn personal growth ways. God, I hate that sometimes. But even at my advanced age, I keep learning that "it's always something" as Gilda said when she got her cancer diagnosis. I've even had cancer myself and I guess I can take this thing one day at a time.” I closed my computer.

Sitting in the recliner there was a comforting silence, a heaviness that sucked my body deep into the chair. Darkness enveloped the house as I closed my eyes, pausing the world. Thoughts rushed by and my mind went quiet. I was weightless for a moment feeling heaviness and lightness at the same time. The thought that Jim was to take me to the airport in the morning tugged at me. The chair released its grip and I called him.

“Hi”

“How’s it going? Are you ready to go?”

“I’m not going, they canceled.”

Our conversation continued and when I reflect on what was said I hear Charlie Browns teacher speaking, waa wa waa wa waaa… Jim was my boyfriend and the person that gave me the most comfort. I remembered him asking me, “Do you feel like going to dinner?” I said, “yes, I need to get out of the house.” He picked me up and took me to one of our favorite restaurants. We sat at the bar and only a few words dripped from our mouths. I picked at my food and proceeded to drowned the day in a glass of wine. That night I surrendered into Jim’s embrace, but sleep was elusive and I didn’t want him to let go. In the morning my tea was waiting for me when I emerged from his room. He made breakfast and I picked at my food. Jim took me back to Lisa’s where I had been camping out since a few weeks prior to my departure. I signed a long-term lease allowing tenants to rent my furnished house for a year with the option of renewing. The Peace Corp required friends sighn a notarized letter stating that they were going to watch over the house while I was gone and obtain new tenants if needed, I couldn’t have any remaining responsibilities in the US. I was hopeful I could continue to stay with Lisa while I sorted things out.

Jim and I sat in his truck in Lisa’s driveway. He impatiently waited for me to exit the vehicle stating “I’m late for work.” I asked, “Could I see you tonight? I don’t want to be alone.” he said, “I will call you on my way home.” He didn’t call. He was ready for me to leave.

I finished my Peace Corps application in December of 2012, the month my company told me they didn’t have the funding to complete the software product I was managing. When I felt consumed by corporate life I often pulled up the Peace Corps application and continued to meander through it. This distraction went on for years with periods when I needed to start over because of system upgrades. My interview was in January of 2013, the same year I turned 50. Three months later I received a nomination to serve and written in the email was this; “Congrats on your nomination!  Remember, a nomination is not a guarantee of service, but is cause for excitement – it’s farther than many applicants get.  Don’t make major life changes just yet. Save those until after receiving an invitation, should that happen.” The invitation had a “potential” departure date of April 5^th and my assignment, to be a Community Economic Development (CED) volunteer. To work with development banks, nongovernmental organizations and municipalities on encouraging economic opportunities in communities. I was going to be teaching people how to sell their products and teach the basic computer skills needed to be successful in the new world. OK, I know what you’re thinking… teaching people how to be capitalists. The exact thing I was trying to get away from. Ironic isn’t it. It was emphasized throughout the entire process to be flexible and open minded, to be aware that anything can happen. Peace Corps has no provisions for when a country cancels, as in your service, you are on your own.

During my long discussion with the Placement Officer I was given two options, Kenya or Botswana, to work on HIV/Aids programs. I read a bit about crime, living conditions and weather. I looked at the scribblings on Facebook from Peace Corps applicants finding community economic development (CED) opportunities in Macedonia and Armenia. I unpacked a few essential items, reluctantly started using the toiletries I meticulously packed, and continued to stumble over my suitcase, duffle bag and backpack. Macedonia was on the historic silk road, close to friends in Europe and I knew something about its history. Crime was practically non-existent and exponentially less crimes were targeted toward women. Armenia was similar to Azerbaijan and had much less crime and violence than Africa.

April 1st became April 3rd and I let it all unravel. The postings were steady on Facebook.

“So I've accepted my invitation to Macedonia. Is anyone else going there too?”

“I'm also going to Macedonia (CED) now instead of Armenia TEFL {which honestly I'm happy with, because I hesitated switching programs}.”

“Good for you. Macedonia looks like the most logical placement for me also. Did they indicate how many openings are still available? I haven't gotten THE CALL yet :) and am feeling the pressure”

“they didn't say a number, but did note it was limited, which is why I accepted it pretty much right away. Formal invites will be sent to those who accepted next week per my placement officer”

“armenia in august or else i'm waiting on thailand in january. any opinions? i'm tefl”

“macedonia.......i think?”

“Armenia it is. Bina assures me as best she can that it won't also be cancelled. Still, I'm watching the Georgia departure in three weeks. Wish I felt more confident. The Azerbaijan situation is looking increasingly internal, but the external tensions for that area make me unsettled - though probably more than they should be. I just don't want to get shot in the other foot in five months ”

“Not that I know a thing about what's going on specifically for us ex-AZ12s, but I've been reading today about NATO / Russian relations and am trying to think positively about our being kept in safety. NATO is establishing a presence in the Black Sea (and boosting military in the Baltic Sea). Whether there's a military show-down or a cold war standoff, that area is in for a protracted time of tension and volatility. And reading about things like "missle striking range" doesn't help either. To be near or under passing military action from the air is not where I want to be right now, to say nothing about ground troops and 3rd WW scenarios involving other countries. There's a PC departure for Georgia coming up in 3 weeks. Hhmn. Wonder if that cancellation is next. I'm thinking I'll put on a heavy sweater and go sit on the porch with my face pointed towards a slowly warming sun and ponder South America for a while.”

The next day there were more posts on Facebook

“I just got off the phone (with the wrong person...) they just finished a meeting and everyone has been put on a list to call and will get a phone call today or tomorrow. Question is it true that everyone will have to wait 16 weeks before they are reassigned?”

“^omg is that really the expected turn around? 4 MORE MONTHS?”

“Yeah...I just got my phone call...apparently they want me to wait 4 months....wtf.”

“They had always told me 16 weeks when I was originally trying to reinstate after my evacuation from Fiji...”

 “Botswana! Doing HIV/AIDS capacity building leaving August 10^th”

 “She asked me if I wanted Africa or Pacific Islands...I chose the latter and she said she would send me an email and hopefully by next week I will receive an invitation.”

“I'm TEFL and was told possibly Macedonia in September. We'll see!”

“I've heard AMAZING things about Macedonia for what it’s worth”

“Well I just heard from the placement office, was anyone else offered Macedonia or Tonga?”

“Just got my call... Macedonia is on the table for most CEDs. leaves mid Sept.”

I posted this on Facebook, “Botswana, or Kenya... They handpicked me for Botswana for AIDs outreach, but not sure I want to go there. Kenya is similar, but also community outreach for managing budgets and households. What are you going to be doing in Armenia?

SUSAN: “CED very similar sounding to Azerbaijan, but with a friendlier, more supportive government (!) And hey, maybe not as polluted? I'll be lookin' into it. Africa for you? That could be very nice. I can hear the music now - very loose, lots of laughter, and warm!”

Sarah, “I had Macedonia or Tongo and I chose Macedonia because of it's history, culture and proximity in Europe.”

Joey, “Not sure how I feel yet about Botswana, just because it is sooo different than Azerbaijan

Mollie, “but you'd be with me in Botswana!!!! :)”

People were starting to post information about Botswana. Several of the AZ-12s were going there and excited about it.

I posted this on the AZ-12 Facebook page on April 3rd. “Has anyone been offered Botswana, or Kenya? They hand picked me for Botswana because of my business and marketing background. It's an AIDs outreach program”

Isaac, “I did! I'm probably going to accept.”

ME, “Isaac, is that Kenya, or Botswana?”

Isaac, “Botswana! You should join”

Joey, “I got Botswana”

Joey, “Isaac you got Botswana too???”

Isaac, “Yep. Sounds pretty excellent. That would be tight to get a contingent of pc-az peeps out to Botswana”

Joey, “I believe there are a couple of us, Jamie Barnett and Mollie Munro for sure.”

Jamie, “Yeah I got Botswana too! I'm super excited!”

Mollie, “Bots is gonna be great!!!!!”

My call with mom and dad was difficult. Mom kept interrupting me and dad was quiet. The most poignant thing he said was, “Do you still have to go?” Mom was obviously upset and got angry with me for not letting her talk. Before I hung up Dad asked, “Do you need anything?” I said, “I could use a little cash.” He was a good provider and always able to offer monetary support. “I gotta go. Love you!” “Love you too sweetie,” dad said softly. Mom added, “I love you honey.” I didn’t want to be on the phone and after we hung up mom sent me this email.

“I wanted to say some things but each time I was ready talk, I appeared to be talking over you.

What is the polite way of talking on the phone?  I always thought when one person said a

complet thought the other person on the other end, could comment.

I guess that isnt' trrue any more???

Love ya,

MOM”

I wrote

“I know you were just excite to speak with me and wanted to get in your input and support. 

Usually I wait for a pause. It's hard to know when a thought is completed. You might think it is, but then the other person has more to add.”

I didn’t have the energy to deal with her emotions on top of my own.

The next call was Friday and the Placement Officer knew about the opportunities in Macedonia. I questioned why she hadn’t mentioned them to me. “It was because of your age,” she said, “You would need to sign a release stating you’re OK with not having access to recommended yearly mammograms.” I hesitated. “Is there anything else in eastern Europe?” “What about Armenia?” Agitated and impatient she elaborated, “We handpicked you for Kenya and Botswana because of your marketing background.” We were supposed to be open to any assignment anywhere and while I had written in my application that I would be happy with 99% of the possibilities, I wanted to remain 1% in control. Defaulting on Botswana I surrendered then hung up the phone.

Later that day an email arrived with the assignment details, the Botswana handbook and guidelines for applying that gave me until that next Monday to finish the application. I wasn’t sure where in Africa Botswana was. I reviewed my list that ranked the regions I was interested in;

1. Eastern Europe and Central Asia                    4. Caribbean

2. Asia,                                                                  5. Africa

3. North Africa and the Middle East                    6. Pacific Islands

I didn’t include South and Central America because I wasn’t fluent in Spanish. Africa had very high crime rates compared to the other regions, and violence toward women was exponentially high. There were multiple death threatening diseases and parasites. I would’ve signed the release.

My Buddhist teachings were prowling, attempting to remind me to be present, mindful and let go of ego. This wasn’t about me. It was a selfless act, a way to repay the debt I generated by participating in corporate greed, to give back and rationalize that I was actually doing something valuable with my life.

It was toward the end of my employment with BroadVision when I felt I was enabling perverse corporate greed. BroadVision created the backbone for eCommerce and eFinancial solutions. I ended up there after a wonderful career working with companies transitioning from analogue to digital film in their post-production process. This transition empowered more creativity and freedom of expression in motion pictures, but Kodak dissolved our division on the precipice of that digital revolution. After being laid off from Kodak I took a contract position at Netscape where I helped companies create portals designed to manage content on the Internet. Netscape was bought by AOL, my group was broken up and my manager moved to Portland recommending me for his wife’s position at BroadVision. I help companies like Grainger, Sears, and the U.S. Postal Service put up their first eCommerce websites. I was responsible for helping companies build business rules designed to sell more products, to write the rules that pressured people to purchase other products after they put something in their cart. The goal, to get the shopper to buy something they didn’t necessary need through manipulation, “Other items you may need…” “People bought these…” “You might need this if you already bought that.”

It was 10pm in the middle of a cold blistery Chicago winter and there was three of us sitting in a conference room reviewing business rules. I was wearing my long wool coat and my fingers began to lose their dexterity as I shuffled through the papers. It became more difficult to grip a pen or turn the pages and separate papers that stuck together because of the static that hung in the air. I was at Granger’s headquarters, the largest industrial distributor in the world and they turned off the heat at 6pm. Every week I left sunny California to travel to the suburbs north of Chicago where I endured the cold gray winter I left five years ago. I was the lead for the content management system that managed where and when certain products were displayed based on the business rules associated with them. Grainger distributes well over one million products globally and sells everything from aerosol can recycling equipment to engines and toilet seats to post it notes. They wanted to grow and be the first company in their space to have a complete online purchasing environment. This project was the one that pushed me over the edge, pushed me to walk away from lucrative stock options and become a ski bum, to live in Truckee, CA for the winter.

The weekend that I was given to finalize my application for Botswana I weaved research with skiing and continued to stumble over the 3 large bags that cluttered the tiny room I was occupying. The Botswana handbook talked about corruption and crime rates and how they compared to other African nations, the statistics from 2012 rated crime as one of the lowest in Africa and corruption similar to Portugal. I read over the safety and security risks, scrutinized the Peace Corps crime data, looked up the average temperatures and climate, reviewed the living conditions, again, and read over the assignment; to be a Local Government Capacity Builder and help with education, marketing and support for HIV and AIDs. In the crime data I don’t remember reading information about how Peace Corp Volunteers are targets or in particular how white women are targets in Africa. I didn’t think to research these statistics, there probably weren’t any that specific anyway. I didn’t think about comparing the crime rates in the “other” regions of Africa to Botswana. There was also no disclaimer stating that the Peace Corps crime data was based on unprovoked incidences, or what the Peace Corp considered unprovoked, I remembered to breath.

Portugal, it's nice to be traveling again!

Some scholars believe that a clear predecessor to the Camino, the Way of St. James, is the old “Callis Ianus” or “Via Janus” named after the god Janus, who occupied the highest rank among Etruscan-Latin divinities and represented the “Earth’s Axis”, the initiation to the Mysteries, the protection of life on Earth. Janus was god of beginnings and transition, of gates, doors, passages, endings and time; the god of motion that caused the starting and ending of action and change; and master of the four seasons and transformation. He was the "God of gods." He holds the key to open the gates of the invisible world and is usually depicted as having two faces, since he looks to the future and to the past, to the sun and the moon. It's fitting that January is his namesake. Another name that was used to describe the Camino is Via Finisterre (from Latin, the Way to Land’s End), seems fitting. Archaeological sites along it show that Celtic peoples traveled it 1,000 years before Christ in search of Land’s End and the Sun’s resting place, celebrating all various ceremonies, as did other people before them. Others, labeled as Pagans, travelling across northern Spain in a born-again ritual on a Megalithic path following the Milky Way. The true origins of the Path are lost in time.

The earliest known Etruscan language is 700BC and the people associated with this language were derogatorily labeled as Pagans by the Christians. These people used the Camino as a rite of passage to the end of the earth to be reborn. I think it's more accurate to say that the pagans had no religion in the context that we normally use this word today. It's similar to the way people call Buddhism a religion, when it's a way of life. They had no tradition or writings about ritual or religious matters, no organized system of beliefs to which they were asked to commit themselves, no authority-structure aside from philosophical debate, or antiquarian treatise. Above all no commitment to a particular group of people or set of ideas other than their family and political context. If this is the right view of pagan life is it not fitting that we simply view it as a label invented during the transition of the second to third centuries AD specifically in relation to, or conflict, with Christians, Jews and others.

I'm not walking and biking the Camino for any religious reasons, it's more as a rite of passage and reflection, to open up new chapters in my life and explore the amazing history. Am I going to be labeled as a Pagan? Maybe I'll meet Janus and he will show me the invisible world? I'm currently in Tomar, an ancient town the first grand master of the Knight Templar established. I leave tomorrow for my first day on the Camino.

Over a Year Since the Incident... and I can finally tell my story

December 27^th, 2014. It was festive season in Mahalapye, Botswana and 3 days after Homecoming, the 20 hr. all day/night rave featuring DJ’s and musicians from all over Africa and Europe. From the beginning of December to 2 weeks after the New Year parties and holiday celebrations erupt around the county. Students have taken their end of year exams and impatiently wait to see if they passed to the next level, business slows to a crawl. Dancing, drinking, singing, eating and praying fill the 6 weeks they call festive season.

At 8:30am it was drizzling, gray and quiet, most of the village was sleeping off the festivities from x-mas. I walked to the main hotel to get a good breakfast and hopefully time on a somewhat reliable Internet connection. I chose to cross the dry riverbed and take the footpath that skirts Flowertown, the ward on the other side. As I turned off the rivers edge along the railroad tracks I reached the area where there were no more houses. I could see the commercial area ahead of me where the agricultural store and the lumber company sat. As I approached the old paved road that crossed the railroad tracks there were 2 men on the road just ahead of me. They walked past the trail I was on looking in my direction, a few seconds later our eyes met as they turned toward me on the trail. The taller man told me to give them some money. A brief thought entered my head about turning down a small path that cut off toward the tracks, but instead I stood my ground and said “no” and continued to walk past them. Each man grabbed one of my wrists as I could feel the blood moving quickly through my veins. My face went flush as I said “Fuck You!” I felt a mix of adrenaline, anxiety and fear and I pulled away as hard as I could. The man on my left pulled back with such force that it knocked me off balance sending me to the ground. My head flew back over the top of my backpack and smashed into the ground. They both were taken back and I don’t think they were sure what to do as I lie there on the ground. I put my feat up when they tried to advance toward me and they backed away.

At that moment I didn’t think to yell, as we were taught in our Safety and Security class. Instead I thought about what a woman in my office told me regarding a woman who had been robbed at knife point just the other day. She said the robber took the woman’s SIM card out of her phone and handed it to her telling her to go buy a new phone.

The thieves hesitated and I told them they could have my phone and my money, but they can’t have the SIM card. “I will take the SIM card out of my phone.” I fumbled nervously for my phone, reaching over my head into the top of my backpack. They waited patiently, leaning forward, then stepping back when I lifted up my feet. I noticed that they were of small stature, not much taller than myself, and slight of build. One of them had on a striped shirt and dark green pants and I think the other one had on blue jeans and a t-shirt. They actually looked fairly clean cut.

The men waited patiently as I pulled out my phone, opened it and took out the SIM card. I handed them my phone and started to reach for my wallet. Blindly scanning my pack with my hand, I had a hard time finding it and my heart was pounding faster as they grew more impatient and leaned forward again. I felt some protection from my feet as I lifted them up again and they tentatively stepped back. Finally, I produced my wallet from my backpack and the taller, more aggressive one, stepped around me and snatched it from my hand. He dug through it pulling out ID’s, bankcards, cash and the copy of my passport. I told him what each item was as he pulled it out and I asked him to only take the money, that I really need my ID’s. He dropped the wallet on my chest and most of the items fell to the ground as he pocketed the money. The other man unzipped my small pouch and I told him it was just my keys as they fell to the ground. They tried to get my backpack out from under me and I held on tight. The aggressive one threatened me with a large rock as I remembered to yell... “Tuso! Ke Kopa Tuso!” (Help! I Need Help!) At that moment I thought I saw someone far down the road, whatever it was caused the thieves to run down toward the river, away from the road. I got up quickly. Dizzy and disoriented I staggered toward the road when I realized I left several things lying on the ground, including my keys and credit card. Pumped with adrenaline, I tentatively walked back to where I was lying on the ground and picked up the pieces. Everything was covered in dirt and mud, including me. I walked to the hotel in what seemed like seconds, though it was still about a ½ mile away. Through shallow breath and fractured sentences, I told the desk attendant about the men. I’m sure I looked as flustered as I felt. One of the women let me put my SIM card in her phone to call Thuso, Peace Corps safety and security officer. I was having trouble with the reception on the phone and it seemed like it took forever to figure out the best way to handle the situation. I left Thuso a message with the number of the hotel, he eventually called back and I called the police, who told me to wait there.

Given it was festive season the police were very busy. I tried to clean myself up in the bathroom as best I could, but everything seem futile. I was exhausted, the adrenaline was wearing off and I just wanted a safe comfortable place to curl up and make myself as small as possible. I wanted to hide, or shrink up like Alice in Wonderland.

I waited in the lobby for hours. The cops finally came and asked me several questions about what happened. They spoke with Thuso on the phone, took copious notes, but it was still required of me to go down to the station to finish the police report. I didn’t want to go and wanted so much to be done with all of it, get cleaned up and eat the breakfast I had been looking so forward to. I wanted to escape my Peace Corps world and experience some of the finer things in Botswana, but those two men made sure that wasn’t going to happen, at least not today.

There were already several people in the police pickup truck. I starred at the female officer blankly when she wanted me to ride in the covered bed of the truck, where they put criminals. The 2 officers that were in the cab jumped in the back, I got in the front with the female officer and we started our journey. There were at least 3 other stops on the way back to the station. One man’s car was broken into in his front yard and a house was burglarized. We picked up another person, who got in the front of the cab with me; it wasn’t an extended cab, or a large truck by any means, and my knees were smashed up against the stick shift. I had a suspicion that the man we picked up was a suspect in a crime, but maybe that was my paranoia speaking. I think there were about 7, or 8 of us in the truck by now.

At the station there were several people in handcuffs and others just sitting randomly in chairs. All I could think about was getting out of there as quickly as possible. A young rookie from another village and a female officer from another village took my statement. During festive season, so many officers are sent to Mahalapye for backup. Mahalapye has some of the highest crime rates in the country during festive season.

No one took fingerprints from my wallet, even after I asked about it. They took my statement and promised me they would catch the thieves. It was about 2pm by then and I asked to be taken back to the hotel so I could get a good meal and relax by the pool. We took an SUV this time. There was a girl about 17, or 18 that joined me in the back seat and we talked softly as we drove to the hospital near by. Farly quickly I figured out that she had been raped, or sexually assaulted, and was going for a screening. I felt her shame and wounded spirit as she got out of the vehicle. She was alone and as we drove off I thought that maybe I should have offered to stay with her.

A local friend came over that night, we drank a bottle of wine and talked. She told me of the time her cell phone was snatched right out of her had when she was using it and that she held on so tight that her wrist hurt for days. She also told me of how her house had been burglarized, twice. The most difficult time for me came over the next few days. I was restless and couldn’t sleep, my shoulder, neck and wrists ached. It was hard to leave the house and I didn’t want to walk anywhere. I wanted to wait it out, see how I felt, at least until after new years. I was able to release some tension and relax a little at a friend’s news years gathering, but that was only temporary. The next day I couldn’t leave the house.

The day after New Years I spoke to Dr. Shava about my shoulder and he agreed to see me in the capital, but there was still a week left of the holiday. I also told him I wasn’t sleeping and I was paranoid. The pain seemed to be getting worse and the bruising was spreading. I didn’t get support from my program manager when I told her I needed to get out of Mahalapye, even after I told her I didn’t have the courage to walk anywhere. I felt like a prisoner in my house. It’s up to our program managers to decide if we can leave our village during lockdown, the first 3 months we are in our village we can’t travel without permission. The next day I called the program director and called Dr. Shava, again. After several days, many phone calls and much deliberation, they all agreed that I could come to the capital, Gaborone, and seek refuge. I couldn’t imagine taking the bus, or hiking (hitching a ride at the bus stop, a common and safe practice in Botswana). I was able to secure a ride with a friend that was coming through Mahalapye from another village the next day. His father owned the pharmacy that the Peace Corp used during training. All of this needed to be approved and was heavily scrutinized. I was exhausted by the time it was all settled.

I spent the weekend in Gaborone (Gabs) and Dr. Shava couldn’t see me that Monday, so my appt. was pushed until Tuesday. He told me he wanted me to wait until after In Service Training (IST) to send me to an orthopedic doctor, in service training was 2 weeks long and didn't start until the next Monday. Well, I didn't make it through IST and ended up in the hospital 1/2 way through.

During the first 2 weeks in Gabs I could meet with a psychotherapist and I found great solace in that. She told me that she wanted me to talk to other Peace Corps volunteers about what happened and how I handled the situation, though it wasn’t what we were taught in training, it's something she wished we could teach others. I took control of the situation taking the power out of the hands of the thieves, where we were taught to be submissive and give them everything. Taking control of the situation tends to reduce the potential for violence. It’s her theory that if we can take more control of situations, set clear boundaries and not let fear override us that crime would be less and violence reduced. Elaborating that it’s not something that’s easy to teach and a person needs to have good cognitive intelligence, she told me of the recent story about several women that were taken captive by ISIS and how a young woman, and her sisters, escaped rape and slavery. They escaped because she was able to take control of the situation, not let her fear overcome her and had good cognitive intelligence. You can listen to the story here http://www.npr.org/sections/parallels/2014/09/27/351783611/kidnapped-by-isis-one-woman-tells-how-she-saved-her-sisters 

The driver for Botrail Cycling Club was a police officer in Zimbabwe and he confirmed what the therapist told me stating that he thought I did the right thing by taking control of the situation. Even doing the “right thing” leaves it’s mark. It’s been over a year since the incident. I’m having nightmares occasionally, though they aren’t specific and most the time I don’t remember what they are about. At times I find it hard to leave my apartment and the anxiety for everyday activities is still paralyzing. I also have paranoia on trails when I’m alone, or at night when walking down the street of one of the friendliest and safest towns in America. I never used to be afraid. The thing that scares me the most is that I have no direction, I’m having a hard time making a decision about a career, where I want to live, or even if I want to ski, hike, snowshoe or meet up with friends. Everyone still sees me as this strong, independent, fearless, make it happen kind of woman. Well, I don’t know where that person is right now. The hardest thing for me to grasp is that I’ve always been able to take that next step, make something happen, or just go with the flow and have the confidence that it will all work out. Now I don’t see what’s ahead of me and, only what’s behind me, I want it all to go away!!

There’s an entire story around the delays for getting the care that I needed and the way I was treated by the Peace Corps staff. I’m still dealing with the repercussions related to the delays of my surgery and treatment and the emotional implications of how I was treated when I got back to the US. Even with all the hurdles I experienced with Peace Corps I loved my service and truly wanted to go back. There are a lot of politics and personalities within Peace Corps, but it’s up to us volunteers to make our service count. In the end it’s all about what we make of it. Now that it’s been almost a year since my medical separation, and I'm still recovering from my last surgery, I can’t go back without reapplying. I’m trying hard to look forward to my next adventure whatever that might be.

No Longer a Peace Corps Volunteer

In the hospital, at every morning and evening shift change, the entire staff would come in my room, say hello and ask me how I was doing. During my stay one nurse gave me the wrong pill at the wrong time and another thought she was giving me Celebrex, which I'm allergic to. The physiotherapist (PT) was giving me electric stimulation when I told him the pads on my back and neck weren't working. The TV didn’t work the entire time I was there and that's the main reason Peace Corps gave me a private room. First world problems in a developing county!

After 6 days on drugs, in traction and with VERY little PT, the pain was reduced, but I still had significant issues. The Peace Corps put me in a hotel and I continued PT, but couldn’t get beyond the numbness in my fingers and pain down my arm and back. Dr. Shava, the Peace Corps Medical Officer (PCMO), asked me how I felt about going home for continued care? Within 2 days I was on Medical Evacuation (Medevac) to the US. I’ve been back in Chicago for over 6 weeks now, which is the maximum time allowed for medical leave and I’m in the process of administering everything for my Close Of Service (COS).

I’ve gone from only being comfortable in a recliner, or lying down and not being able to type at the computer, to just a little stiffness and slight pain in my upper back. But, that’s not the kicker! During the PT for my back we were also working on my shoulder and, well, the shoulder never got better. The pain wasn’t nearly as bad as the issues resulting from my neck, but not being able to sleep well, or do basic things without pain was not fun. So, last Friday I finally had an MRI and I have what they call a full thickness rotator cuff tendon tear. The recommendation, surgery.

As of the 28th of March I’m no longer a Peace Corps Volunteer (PCV) and I'm currently working on a Federal Employment Compensation Act (FECA) workman’s comp claim and possible disability through the Department Of Labor (DOL). I’m returning to Truckee as a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer (RPCV) and I didn’t receive an Early Termination (ET) since it was a medical separation. I have an option to complete my PC service when I'm medically cleared. Enough acronyms for ya?

Bike Racing in Botswana

 

Me in the orange with white helmet and Amo on my left

 

 

 Amo

 

BP

January 24th and 25th we had our first mt. bike race, which was also a 2 day duathlon.  The duathlon consisted of a 21k foot race in sand, over huge granite slabs and through river beds on Saturday and a 63K mt. bike on Sunday on the same trail. The mt. bike event was 21, 42, or 63K on the same trail on Sunday. We had 2 competitors doing the duathlon and 3 of us doing only the mt. bike race. What a fun event. I saw 2 Peace Corps (PC) staff members at the event, one of them had her bike stolen the week before, so she wasn’t racing. BP, one of the duathlon competitors, finished 3rd in the veteran’s class, 40 to 49, and I finished 3rd in the women’s 42K, unfortunately there wasn’t a masters category for women, though I may have been the only one in that class. Monica the Director of Programing at PC finished 3rd in the 21K.

 
Monica and me with our trophies
 

It was great to see so many kids out riding! And lots of girls!

During the race I was still hurting from an accident I had back in December where my shoulder and my neck were injured. Several days after the race I had some pretty sever symptoms that were similar to what I had in May last year when we discovered there were 2 herniated disks in my neck. The pain got so severe that I could only lie down to relieve it. I went to see a neurologist and he subscribed some muscle relaxers, but that did nothing. Next it was off to an orthopedic, who admitted me into the hospital, put me on several different medications, including 2 intervenes ones and traction for 6 days!

Learning more about Bots culture, the hard way!! 

The doctor gave me a lecture when I told him how they took care of me in the states and that they didn't put me in the hospital. He said I needed to trust him and he knows what the Peace Corps life style is like, so it's best to be in the hospital and that's the only way it will work. His solution, if I wasn’t out of pain in a couple of weeks, was surgery! I was in too much pain to argue at that time.

Bright, or Jerry, the Zimbabwe National Champion who rides with us some times, is going to train in the US with Mikes Bikes!! He will be in CA on the 18th of April. Thanks Mikes Bikes for making this happen!! So fun to bring people together and help them live their dreams. Bright will be in the US for 5 months.

What am I doing?

 

This is a post I should have put up at the end of January, but a lot has happened since then that has changed my service dramatically. I want to get you caught up before I go into what happened in the middle of January and got me to where I'm at today.

I wrote this in January, but never posted it.

I'm just starting to write my proposals for all the projects I'll be working on. The Peace Corps wanted us to take 3 months to do our community assessment, and write a 7 to 12 page report before we start any "real" work or projects, OK, so my assessment is over 20 pages and I also did interviews of people affected by HIV and AIDS, I will post the video later. I've written a proposal to raise money for a conference on how people infected with HIV are at a high risk for contracting TB and organize a fund raiser at a nightclub to raise money for the conference, what a fun event! Everything I do needs to revolve around HIV/AIDS or ways to help people live healthier more productive lives and avoid getting HIV. So much to do here it's crazy!! There are some people that just don't seem to care that much about contracting HIV, or maybe they don't understand how bad it is and how they might be at risk? They drink like fishes and have sex like dolphins. 

I'm working directly with 2 organizations and supporting the Non-Governmental Organizations (NGO's) working with HIV/AIDS in my region, which is about 115,000 people and 40 villages. The 2 organizations I'm working with are: District Aids Commission (DAC) the government org that oversees a region and makes sure the government mission and mandates around HIV/AIDS are being met and implemented and Vision Support Group (VSG), an organization under an NGO umbrella that gives support for people infected, or affected by HIV/AIDS and other diseases. The DAC supports NGO's, community based organizations and government organizations in the district. The DAC is responsible for monitoring, reporting and evaluating all the programs and stats around HIV/AIDS and anyone infected, or affected by the disease and Vision Support Group (VSG) supports people in the demographic the DAC is responsible for. VSG helps connect people with services from testing to meds and psychosocial support to home care. Anything I do needs to help build capacity to help prevent HIV infections and help people infected and affected by the disease like orphans, single mothers, sex workers, youth… etc. The idea is that when I leave they will have more skills to support reaching their mandates and any projects I will have worked on can continue without me. I'm still doing my community assessment, so I don't know where all the needs are and everything I'll be doing, but here's what I do know...

The DAC, help make the organizations under the DAC successful through supporting them with meeting their mandates, setting goals and helping to build a strategic plan to address these needs and meet the goals. 

My work with VSG will revolve around helping to develop fundraising strategies, creating a strategy to rebuild the organization and in general build a more stable organization. I hope to be doing this with all the NGO's and community based orgs under the DAC. I will be having workshops on writing proposals, grants, messaging, marketing, grant search, fund raising etc... They all have relied on the government for funding that didn't take much effort to get and now that funding is getting slim. It would be great to leave something like Parasol Foundation, an umbrella that supports not for profits in getting grants, fund raising and training, at the DAC. I think it's feasible to get a computer with a grant search database and some online courses.

The government has done a great job in setting up the structure to support the needs of it's people, but the people don't know how to take advantage of it, or aren't able to because they live in remote communities. I’ve found many Botswana need some hand holding when it comes to absorbing all the information and time management skills are a bit lacking. They have mostly relied on their government and global funding sources to support them, but those global funding sources are pulling out because they have become a middle income country. They need to learn to be more self-reliant.

There are also, what the Peace Corps calls, secondary projects. These are at my discretion, but still need to address the needs of the HIV/AIDS groups. I’ve started one woman’s support group to help empower women to find jobs, go back to school and become more confident and independent. 

Mission
 

The mission is a support group of woman by women. We come together as sisters to support each other in fulfilling our dreams and passions of becoming strong, confident and independent women. Empowering each other with the confidence and support necessary to become a business owner, a merchant, a trades person, a chef, a farmer, or to fulfill a dream of higher education.

Vision

The vision of the woman's support group is to empower women of Botswana to be confident, independent, and productive individuals of the world.

Projects

Together we nurture ideas growing the strong ones into prosperous projects. A group project will be birthed every 2 years and we will work together to make is a success. The first project will be a coffee shop bakery that is also a space to share, teach and sell traditional, and not so traditional, woman's crafts. 

I have met 2 counterparts that will help me build support groups. There are also some very poor communities that just don't know how to take advantage of the programs the government has to offer. Women have been repressed for so long that many lack the self esteem necessary to advocate for themselves. 

One of my other secondary projects is helping to coach the Botswana Railways Cycling Club.

I got a used mt. bike that came from Mikes Bikes in Marin of all places! I've done a few rides with the Mahalapye cycling club and I'm going to start helping the coach develop a stronger team,  and more members. They are sponsored by the railroad and have many bikes, helmets etc... but have more riders than bikes and more bikes then helmets, gloves, shoes etc...

There are about 9 women and 20 men between the ages of 17 and 40, so it's perfect for doing HIV/AIDS work and gender work. They tend to discriminated against the women a bit, but it's also the women not advocating for themselves. All the best equipment goes to the men and most of them have bike shoes that were purchased by the bike club, but the women who have shoes have purchased them themselves.
 

 

I'm so grateful that I've been able to get a mt. bike here and enjoy all the dirt trails. In Gaborone there are some hills to climb and one of the game parks, pictured above, has some great trails developed by The Bike Shop! There are so many people that want to "grow up," that's what someone called it, learn, and be like us in America, and so many Botswana that keep asking me for help, it's exhausting! I take Sundays as me time and have been riding a bit lately. On this last Sunday I found some great trails! There are some very small hills near by, but not much climbing and I did find some good technical trails that need a little work. I hope to be able to put together about 25 miles of fun trails and dirt roads with some pretty technical sections. One of the boys on the bike team is going to bring a machete to cut back the thorny trees, of which there are many, and I have plenty of scratches to prove it! There's only a couple of mt. bikers on the bike team, but I hope, with their help, to get some good trails going. Finally starting to loose the 10lbs I gained since I came here.

Sometimes I feel there is so much to do here that I don't have enough time and things move so slowly.

The Botswana Railways team and I thank you all for your generous donations and help getting items to Mike's Bikes in Novato. The container is starting it's 3 month journey across the Atlantic this week, Feb 1st. And thank you to all of you trying to help Jerry get on a team in the US.

Learning Botswana Culture

 

Yes this ant hill is taller than the house!!  There must be 20 different varieties of ants here!

 

Happy New Year! Peace On Earth 

In a country with an AIDS epidemic is promiscuity OK if it doesn’t negatively affect anyone?

This has been one of the most difficult posts, and quite a long one!! Below are some researchy paragraphs with statistics, I’m currently writing my community assessment and thought I would share some of my research…

It seems that, in Botswana, few people that I’ve met have monogamous relationships and many have multiple concurrent partners. Because of love triangles resulting from these types of relationships passion killings are not uncommon. Fewer people are dying from malnutrition and diarrheal diseases, while other causes, including interpersonal violence, claimed more lives in Botswana in 2013 than in 1990.

A man I know is dedicated to his work, family, was a social worker and is a very compassionate and caring individual. He doesn't drink and goes to church regularly. Despite what this would represent in US culture it means quite a different thing here. He’s currently engaged and very much in love with his fiancé, yet he’s shagging another woman and that woman has a boy friend and, well, the fact that both of their partners live in other towns seems to make it OK to have multiple concurrent partners. The man drives 2 hrs every weekend to be with his fiancé and his daughter, but maybe for him this isn’t enough physical attention. Does she have multiple partners too?

Other men have said that they would get bored if they were with just one woman. I’ve heard it often said that Botswana used to be a polygamist country and it’s been difficult to change those practices. There are many churches that still allow polygamy and perform polygamist marriages even though it is currently illegal in Botswana, they don’t register all of the wives with the government. In a discussion I had with a 20 something Botswana that I work with I was told that Botswana use their casual approach to relationships as a way of not getting hurt because they have been hurt before and don’t trust. This is the same man that blatantly tried to steal P100 BWP from me, the equivalent of about $11 USD, but relatively worth about $25 USD. Many Botswana women have told me that they don’t trust other women, or Botswana men and want a white man because they think they are more honest. I don’t get the sense from the men that they don’t trust each other though some have told me they don’t trust Bostwana women. One man actually said that Botswana women are evil. This could be because of the poverty here and that the poor, and not so poor, Botswana will do just about anything for money and these “things” include some form of deception either to the person they are getting money from, or to themselves. If you are not honest with yourself then how can you be honest with others? Many Botswana are used to relying on others and the government to get them what they need, so manipulative and conniving acts are not unheard of. People are very open about cheating the government and others to get what they want.

Younger men and women have told me they will be faithful in marriage and many women want monogamous relationships.

One, or both, of their grandparents; foster parent/s, aunts, or older siblings, raise Botswana children. The children move from grandparents, to mother, to friend and in a few cases the fathers will watch after them. It’s not uncommon for the parents of the children not be married and it's VERY common for people to have kids out of wedlock. In many cases children are cared for when they are infants and once they can walk steadily they have more freedom than what children do in the US. I’ve had very young children, 3, or 4 years old, run up to me, crossing dirt roads, just to say hi and there are no parents in sight. 2 and 3 year olds roam the yards freely looking for things to play with. I haven’t seen many rules for any age, except being inside by dark and as children get older they are asked to help with chores and usually do so without any hesitation.The average Botswana family will have a large flat screen TV with satellite that gets a plethora of channels and some have an x-box, or playstation. In these families there is at least one car.

I’ve observed that Botswana children are very carefree. They posses little inhibition, have a lot of free time and enjoy playing with the most simple objects: a ball made out of a sock, an old tire, aluminum cans, sticks, rocks and homemade toys. They seem confident, happy and not afraid. The girls want to grow up quickly; 14 year olds wear very provocative clothing, usually have developed some kind of a strut and carry themselves like a woman. I’ve noticed that most Botswana really know how to flirt, the men are very good at it!, and the girls know how to get attention.

Having sex at a young age is very common in Botswana. I was told by a 23 year old that most Botswana have sex between the ages of 14 and 18 and it’s common to have multiple partners during those years. There is a lot of peer pressure to have sex and all the Botswana I’ve met are very open about it. It’s not uncommon for a 19 year old to have a child, or two. Abortion is illegal, except for extreme cases like rape, or when it’s dangerous for the woman to go the full term of the pregnancy. It’s frequent that the men don’t wear condoms and I haven’t determined why Botswana don’t use condoms, or other forms birth control regularly. Children are protected under the formal laws and men are required to pay child support, but it's minimal and not enough to cover the basic needs of a child. There is a high rate of unemployment, or low employment and many men can’t afford to pay for child support, so even if the woman goes to court and wins her battle, the father may not have anything he can pay her with.

Who am I to judge whether having multiple relations, or having children out of wedlock is right, or wrong. Studies show that humans, out of the need to procreate, have a yearning to find more than one partner. "We do know that in humans we do have this pretty strong pair bond, and there's more paternal investment than in most other primates," said Daniel Kruger, a social and evolutionary psychologist at the University of Michigan's School of Public Health. "We're special in this regard, but at the same time like most mammals, we are a polygamous species." Kruger said humans are considered "mildly polygamous," in which a male mates with more than one female.

Mildly polygamous seems to mean that humans may have one partner, but have sex with others? In these types of situations I think about the well being of the children and wonder if they are getting the consistent love and nurturing that children need to be happy and healthy? Does a broken home with multiple caregivers’ breed low self-esteem?

In an article by Dr. Seth Meyers, a clinical psychologist, relationship counselor, parenting counselor and couples therapist. He states “In my clinical work, I find that a promiscuous individual suffers from low self-esteem and feels that sex is a way to get attention and to feel noticed. Of course, if someone feels smart, happy and loved, they typically will not need to seek out attention in maladaptive ways.” I wonder if this holds true in Botswana?

Some children are treated as commodities and when a woman gets married her new husband must pay her family for the cost of her upbringing and schooling, all the costs it took to raise her. This is called the bride price, or Begodi. The bride is then obligated to the man because he paid for her and the bride’s family puts pressure on her to perform in the marriage so they aren’t dishonored. On the wedding day, after the celebration, there is a ceremony where the bride is brought to the groom’s family and she is told what is expected of her in marriage. I’ve heard that often times the woman cries when the expectations are revealed. The man is still clearly the head of the household.

Women head 46% of the countries households, but have much less of the wealth. They have less access to land, cattle and other economic resources because in most cases the family wealth is passed down to the males in the family, there have recently been laws that make it "OK" for the women to receive some of the family wealth, but it still rarely happens. There are many reasons why women are repressed and the most prevalent is that some traditional laws are still prevailing. Traditional laws were here well before the constitution documented formal laws and the original constitution, written just 50 year ago, didn’t address woman’s issues specifically. Many of the cultural, or traditional, laws make women servants to men, the bride price insures that, and the constitution fails to address contradictions between formal and traditional laws. In traditional law a woman can’t say no to any command from their husband, particularly for sex, and the woman is required to do all the household chores including regular raking and cleaning of the plot, which is usually about 1/2 acre, or more, and all dirt that gets covered with weeds. The yard is expected to be clear of weeds and raked regularly, all the cooking, child rearing, cleaning and laundry, done by hand in most cases, is the responsibility of the woman. All of this is also expected if the woman is holding down a job outside the home. It's common for a woman to get beaten if she doesn't meet the expectations. In 2008 some of the formal laws were clarified and women, by law, don’t have to be submissive to the man. Corporal punishment is also now illegal, though still practiced.

Some of the 20 something men that I interviewed stated that they think the chores should be 50/50 but the woman should know her ”place” and that “place” is to be submissive to the man. A woman I know had cervical cancer and was very sick for years, yet her husband insisted she still do her chores. He beat her several times because she was too weak to do everything that was expected of her. She accepted this because she feels that he didn’t know how to manage when she wasn’t able to live up to what was expected of her. Yes, there are laws that have been passed within the last 6 years that protect women and children, but the resources to uphold the laws are lacking. Many women, if they know their rights, don’t have the resources to protect themselves and many times the repercussions in the home aren’t worth the fight. There are also some very poor and rural communities where the people just don't know how to do things for themselves, or can’t because they have no means of their own and are essentially prisoners in their own life.

We are asked as Peace Corps Volunteers to help with the HIV/AIDS epidemic and not to judge the culture of our host country. Who’s to say what’s right or wrong in any culture. It’s been a bit of a struggle to determine what the things are that can make a difference without passing judgment, or trying to change the culture in a way that affects the integrity and heart of a country. Many women I’ve met want to change how they are treated and take advantage of the opportunities that are available to them. I figure it’s best to assist where asked and try to influence in other ways through actions and conversation.

I wonder if the younger generations in the US have more partners in a lifetime than previous generations? I’ve had many conversations around the sexual practices of Botswana, and feel that promiscuity could be something that is part of their culture and may not change, but the practices of contraception and safe sex are changing. We tend to be a bit more private in the US about sex, religion and politics. It’s been interesting having such candid conversations, and uncomfortable having so many candid religious talks in a country that is hypocritically Christian. In doing research one issue I’ve found is that Botswana men think it’s a good thing to talk about how sexually active they are, so am I getting honest responses? In the US we have the opposite problem with the youth, they don’t want to admit that they are promiscuous, but it seems as if people are more promiscuous, or maybe they are just talking about it more? The Botswana sure think we are VERY promiscuous! In general Botswana are pretty free about sex and have no issues telling you how much they enjoy it. It reminds me a bit of the US hippy generation, but in Botswana it’s more about peer pressure, not wanting to be alone and physical pleasure, than sharing the love.

Something that came up in a conversation around casual sex is that if in a moment 2 people are passionate about each other and don’t have a condom they have been known to lie about their status because they want to be fulfilled. When it was mentioned that it’s illegal to knowingly infect another person, the justification is that by the time the person test positive they will have been with multiple partners and won’t be able to trace it back. Considering women are asked by men not to wear condoms and especially sex workers are vulnerable to this because men will pay more for if they don’t wear a condom, empowering women is something that could be powerful enough to change some of these unsafe practices.

Are the Botswana really that different than Americans?

I've been beginning to wonder if the Botswana really need that much help. Yea, they don't have the quality of services that we have in the US, but they are there and improving. Walmart just purchased controlling interest in their only mega store, so that's progress??? They seem to have low income, but yet don't have the extreme poor that we have in the US, though some of the outlying villages have some pretty destitute people. They are beginning to get a larger separation of wealth, but that's democracy and capitalism at it's best.

The average family does OK, the kids don't have all the latest toys and the adults don't have all the useless products we have, but they do have a large flat screen TV, more satellite channels than you could ask for, maybe some kind of x-box, or play station, each person has one, or two mobile or smart phones and the food is in abundance, or they grow it themselves. Not sure if they save for retirement, but they make the open market place work for them and families take care of eachother. Most own at least one plot with at least one house on it and build more as needed and have land for a farm. Anyone can sell anything from their home.

Feeling like they have many of the same social issues that we do, but because of other health issues HIV/AIDS has spread more rapidly here.

Let me know what you think…