The Other Side of Letting Go
Where the Rubber Meets the Road
I
sold my car, moved out of my house, quit my job, put the last of my life’s
treasures in storage, distressed over a parting speech to my boyfriend, and
said goodbye to family and friends, then this arrived in my inbox dated
Tuesday, April 1st…“I am sorry to inform
you that today the Peace Corps Country Director in Azerbaijan received a call
from a high-level government official in Azerbaijan advising her that they want
to cancel the entire Peace Corps training class. … This means that you will not be traveling tomorrow to Philadelphia and
then to Azerbaijan to serve as a Volunteer.” It was 16 hrs. before I was
supposed to board my flight and I doubted if the Peace Corps is a satirical
comedian capable of an April Fool’s Day prank. The email went on to explain
that they are hopeful my Placement Officer will be able to identify another
assignment, elaborating that the US Government is trying to obtain
clarification as to why they canceled at such a late date in the process. No
explanation ever came.
The
postings on the AZ-12 (Azerbaijan’s 12th Volunteer group) Facebook
page exploded.
Barah
wrote: “was that phone
call i just had serious?”
Alison, “April Fools???” “I mean I
hope their kidding... Just quit my job and sold everything I own to be told I'm
not going the day before I ship out...”
Danielle, “This will be my second
short-notice reassignment. First Ukraine, and I was notified a month
beforehand. Now Azerbaijan, notified the day before departure...”
Joey, “I put my whole life on hold
and idk what to do if this doesn't work out” “What about student loans?”
Then,
Susan had this sobering comment, “I'm extremely upset about this and have
absolutely no idea how I'll manage the next several months. However, moving
myself an inch off devastation, and hopefully not sounding too Pollyanna, I'm
also realizing that the "business" we're in is to come to know
others who're emerging from war, dictatorship, pestilence, starvation, mass
murders and all the rest of it. I guess this devastation is a small taste of
what they've been through and for us is really a first-world problem as we try
to enter third-world countries. This news jars my expectations in one of those
damn personal growth ways. God, I hate that sometimes. But even at my advanced
age, I keep learning that "it's always something" as Gilda said when
she got her cancer diagnosis. I've even had cancer myself and I guess I can
take this thing one day at a time.” I closed my computer.
Sitting
in the recliner there was a comforting silence, a heaviness that sucked my body
deep into the chair. Darkness enveloped the house as I closed my eyes, pausing
the world. Thoughts rushed by and my mind went quiet. I was weightless for a
moment feeling heaviness and lightness at the same time. The thought that Jim
was to take me to the airport in the morning tugged at me. The chair released
its grip and I called him.
“Hi”
“How’s
it going? Are you ready to go?”
“I’m
not going, they canceled.”
Our
conversation continued and when I reflect on what was said I hear Charlie
Browns teacher speaking, waa wa waa wa waaa… Jim was my boyfriend and the
person that gave me the most comfort. I remembered him asking me, “Do you feel
like going to dinner?” I said, “yes, I need to get out of the house.” He picked
me up and took me to one of our favorite restaurants. We sat at the bar and
only a few words dripped from our mouths. I picked at my food and proceeded to
drowned the day in a glass of wine. That night I surrendered into Jim’s
embrace, but sleep was elusive and I didn’t want him to let go. In the morning
my tea was waiting for me when I emerged from his room. He made breakfast and I
picked at my food. Jim took me back to Lisa’s where I had been camping out
since a few weeks prior to my departure. I signed a long-term lease allowing
tenants to rent my furnished house for a year with the option of renewing. The
Peace Corp required friends sighn a notarized letter stating that they were
going to watch over the house while I was gone and obtain new tenants if
needed, I couldn’t have any remaining responsibilities in the US. I was hopeful
I could continue to stay with Lisa while I sorted things out.
Jim
and I sat in his truck in Lisa’s driveway. He impatiently waited for me to exit
the vehicle stating “I’m late for work.” I asked, “Could I see you tonight? I
don’t want to be alone.” he said, “I will call you on my way home.” He didn’t
call. He was ready for me to leave.
I
finished my Peace Corps application in December of 2012, the month my company
told me they didn’t have the funding to complete the software product I was
managing. When I felt consumed by corporate life I often pulled up the Peace
Corps application and continued to meander through it. This distraction went on
for years with periods when I needed to start over because of system upgrades.
My interview was in January of 2013, the same year I turned 50. Three months
later I received a nomination to serve and written in the email was this; “Congrats on your nomination!
Remember, a nomination is not a guarantee of service, but is cause for
excitement – it’s farther than many applicants get. Don’t make major life
changes just yet. Save those until after receiving an invitation, should that
happen.” The invitation had a “potential” departure date of April 5th
and my assignment, to be a Community Economic Development (CED)
volunteer. To work with development banks, nongovernmental organizations and
municipalities on encouraging economic opportunities in communities. I was
going to be teaching people how to sell their products and teach the basic
computer skills needed to be successful in the new world. OK, I know what you’re
thinking… teaching people how to be capitalists. The exact thing I was trying
to get away from. Ironic isn’t it. It was emphasized throughout the entire
process to be flexible and open minded, to be aware that anything can happen.
Peace Corps has no provisions for when a country cancels, as in your service,
you are on your own.
During
my long discussion with the Placement Officer I was given two options, Kenya or
Botswana, to work on HIV/Aids programs. I read a bit about crime, living
conditions and weather. I looked at the scribblings on Facebook from Peace
Corps applicants finding community economic development (CED) opportunities in
Macedonia and Armenia. I unpacked a few essential items, reluctantly started
using the toiletries I meticulously packed, and continued to stumble over my
suitcase, duffle bag and backpack. Macedonia was on the historic silk road,
close to friends in Europe and I knew something about its history. Crime was
practically non-existent and exponentially less crimes were targeted toward
women. Armenia was similar to Azerbaijan and had much less crime and violence
than Africa.
April
1st became April 3rd and I let it all unravel. The postings were steady on
Facebook.
“So I've accepted my invitation to
Macedonia. Is anyone else going there too?”
“I'm also going to Macedonia (CED)
now instead of Armenia TEFL {which honestly I'm happy with, because I hesitated
switching programs}.”
“Good for you. Macedonia looks like
the most logical placement for me also. Did they indicate how many openings are
still available? I haven't gotten THE CALL yet 
:) and am feeling the pressure”
:) and am feeling the pressure”
“they didn't say a number, but did
note it was limited, which is why I accepted it pretty much right away. Formal
invites will be sent to those who accepted next week per my placement officer”
“armenia in august or else i'm
waiting on thailand in january. any opinions? i'm tefl”
“macedonia.......i think?”
“Armenia it is. Bina assures me as
best she can that it won't also be cancelled. Still, I'm watching the Georgia
departure in three weeks. Wish I felt more confident. The Azerbaijan situation
is looking increasingly internal, but the external tensions for that area make
me unsettled - though probably more than they should be. I just don't want to
get shot in the other foot in five months 
”
”
“Not that I know a thing about
what's going on specifically for us ex-AZ12s, but I've been reading today about
NATO / Russian relations and am trying to think positively about our being kept
in safety. NATO is establishing a presence in the Black Sea (and boosting
military in the Baltic Sea). Whether there's a military show-down or a cold war
standoff, that area is in for a protracted time of tension and volatility. And
reading about things like "missle striking range" doesn't help
either. To be near or under passing military action from the air is not where I
want to be right now, to say nothing about ground troops and 3rd WW scenarios
involving other countries. There's a PC departure for Georgia coming up in 3
weeks. Hhmn. Wonder if that cancellation is next. I'm thinking I'll put on a
heavy sweater and go sit on the porch with my face pointed towards a slowly
warming sun and ponder South America for a while.”
The
next day there were more posts on Facebook
“I just got off the phone (with the
wrong person...) they just finished a meeting and everyone has been put on a
list to call and will get a phone call today or tomorrow. Question is it true
that everyone will have to wait 16 weeks before they are reassigned?”
“^omg is that really the expected
turn around? 4 MORE MONTHS?”
“Yeah...I just got my phone
call...apparently they want me to wait 4 months....wtf.”
“They had always told me 16 weeks
when I was originally trying to reinstate after my evacuation from Fiji...”
“Botswana! Doing HIV/AIDS capacity building
leaving August 10th”
“She asked me if I wanted Africa or Pacific
Islands...I chose the latter and she said she would send me an email and
hopefully by next week I will receive an invitation.”
“I'm TEFL and was told possibly
Macedonia in September. We'll see!”
“I've heard AMAZING things about
Macedonia for what it’s worth”
“Well I just heard from the
placement office, was anyone else offered Macedonia or Tonga?”
“Just got my call... Macedonia is
on the table for most CEDs. leaves mid Sept.”
I
posted this on Facebook, “Botswana, or Kenya... They handpicked me for Botswana
for AIDs outreach, but not sure I want to go there. Kenya is similar, but also
community outreach for managing budgets and households. What are you going to
be doing in Armenia?
SUSAN: “CED very similar sounding
to Azerbaijan, but with a friendlier, more supportive government (!) And hey,
maybe not as polluted? I'll be lookin' into it. Africa for you? That could be
very nice. I can hear the music now - very loose, lots of laughter, and warm!”
Sarah, “I had Macedonia or Tongo
and I chose Macedonia because of it's history, culture and proximity in Europe.”
Joey, “Not sure how I feel yet about
Botswana, just because it is sooo different than Azerbaijan
Mollie, “but you'd be with me in
Botswana!!!! :)”
:)”
People were starting to post information
about Botswana. Several of the AZ-12s were going there and excited about it.
I posted this on the AZ-12 Facebook
page on April 3rd. “Has anyone been offered Botswana, or Kenya? They hand
picked me for Botswana because of my business and marketing background. It's an
AIDs outreach program”
Isaac, “I did! I'm probably
going to accept.”
ME, “Isaac, is that Kenya, or
Botswana?”
Isaac, “Botswana! You should
join”
Joey, “I got Botswana”
Joey, “Isaac you got
Botswana too???”
Isaac, “Yep. Sounds pretty
excellent. That would be tight to get a contingent of pc-az peeps out to Botswana”
Joey, “I believe there are a
couple of us, Jamie Barnett and Mollie Munro for sure.”
Mollie, “Bots is gonna be
great!!!!!”
My
call with mom and dad was difficult. Mom kept interrupting me and dad was quiet.
The most poignant thing he said was, “Do you still have to go?” Mom was
obviously upset and got angry with me for not letting her talk. Before I hung
up Dad asked, “Do you need anything?” I said, “I could use a little cash.” He
was a good provider and always able to offer monetary support. “I gotta go.
Love you!” “Love you too sweetie,” dad said softly. Mom added, “I love you
honey.” I didn’t want to be on the phone and after we hung up mom sent me this
email.
“I wanted to say some things but
each time I was ready talk, I appeared to be talking over you.
What is the polite way of talking
on the phone? I always thought when one person said a
complet thought the other person on
the other end, could comment.
I guess that isnt' trrue any more???
Love ya,
MOM”
I wrote
“I know you were just excite to speak with me and wanted to get in
your input and support.
Usually I wait for a pause. It's hard to know when a thought is
completed. You might think it is, but then the other person has more to add.”
I
didn’t have the energy to deal with her emotions on top of my own.
The
next call was Friday and the Placement Officer knew about the opportunities in
Macedonia. I questioned why she hadn’t mentioned them to me. “It was because of
your age,” she said, “You would need to sign a release stating you’re OK with
not having access to recommended yearly mammograms.” I hesitated. “Is there
anything else in eastern Europe?” “What about Armenia?” Agitated and impatient
she elaborated, “We handpicked you for Kenya and Botswana because of your
marketing background.” We were supposed to be open to any assignment anywhere
and while I had written in my application that I would be happy with 99% of the
possibilities, I wanted to remain 1% in control. Defaulting on Botswana I
surrendered then hung up the phone.
Later
that day an email arrived with the assignment details, the Botswana handbook
and guidelines for applying that gave me until that next Monday to finish the
application. I wasn’t sure where in Africa Botswana was. I reviewed my list
that ranked the regions I was interested in;
1. Eastern Europe and Central Asia 4. Caribbean
2. Asia, 5.
Africa
3. North Africa and the Middle East 6. Pacific Islands
I didn’t include South and Central America
because I wasn’t fluent in Spanish. Africa had very high crime rates compared
to the other regions, and violence toward women was exponentially high. There
were multiple death threatening diseases and parasites. I would’ve signed the
release.
My
Buddhist teachings were prowling, attempting to remind me to be present,
mindful and let go of ego. This wasn’t about me. It was a selfless act, a way
to repay the debt I generated by participating in corporate greed, to give back
and rationalize that I was actually doing something valuable with my life.
It
was toward the end of my employment with BroadVision when I felt I was enabling
perverse corporate greed. BroadVision created the backbone for eCommerce and
eFinancial solutions. I ended up there after a wonderful career working with
companies transitioning from analogue to digital film in their post-production
process. This transition empowered more creativity and freedom of expression in
motion pictures, but Kodak dissolved our division on the precipice of that
digital revolution. After being laid off from Kodak I took a contract position
at Netscape where I helped companies create portals designed to manage content
on the Internet. Netscape was bought by AOL, my group was broken up and my
manager moved to Portland recommending me for his wife’s position at
BroadVision. I help companies like Grainger, Sears, and the U.S. Postal Service
put up their first eCommerce websites. I was responsible for helping companies
build business rules designed to sell more products, to write the rules that
pressured people to purchase other products after they put something in their
cart. The goal, to get the shopper to buy something they didn’t necessary need
through manipulation, “Other items you may need…” “People bought these…” “You
might need this if you already bought
that.”
It
was 10pm in the middle of a cold blistery Chicago winter and there was three of
us sitting in a conference room reviewing business rules. I was wearing my long
wool coat and my fingers began to lose their dexterity as I shuffled through
the papers. It became more difficult to grip a pen or turn the pages and separate
papers that stuck together because of the static that hung in the air. I was at
Granger’s headquarters, the largest industrial distributor in the world and
they turned off the heat at 6pm. Every week I left sunny California to travel
to the suburbs north of Chicago where I endured the cold gray winter I left
five years ago. I was the lead for the content management system that managed
where and when certain products were displayed based on the business rules
associated with them. Grainger distributes well over one million products
globally and sells everything from aerosol can recycling equipment to engines
and toilet seats to post it notes. They wanted to grow and be the first company
in their space to have a complete online purchasing environment. This project
was the one that pushed me over the edge, pushed me to walk away from lucrative
stock options and become a ski bum, to live in Truckee, CA for the winter.
The
weekend that I was given to finalize my application for Botswana I weaved
research with skiing and continued to stumble over the 3 large bags that
cluttered the tiny room I was occupying. The Botswana handbook talked about
corruption and crime rates and how they compared to other African nations, the
statistics from 2012 rated crime as one of the lowest in Africa and corruption
similar to Portugal. I read over the safety and security risks, scrutinized the
Peace Corps crime data, looked up the average temperatures and climate,
reviewed the living conditions, again, and read over the assignment; to be a
Local Government Capacity Builder and help with education, marketing and
support for HIV and AIDs. In the crime data I don’t remember reading
information about how Peace Corp Volunteers are targets or in particular how
white women are targets in Africa. I didn’t think to research these statistics,
there probably weren’t any that specific anyway. I didn’t think about comparing
the crime rates in the “other” regions of Africa to Botswana. There was also no
disclaimer stating that the Peace Corps crime data was based on unprovoked incidences,
or what the Peace Corp considered unprovoked, I remembered to breath.
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