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Saturday, June 23, 2018

I'm finally writing my memoir


The Other Side of Letting Go


Where the Rubber Meets the Road 

I sold my car, moved out of my house, quit my job, put the last of my life’s treasures in storage, distressed over a parting speech to my boyfriend, and said goodbye to family and friends, then this arrived in my inbox dated Tuesday, April 1st…“I am sorry to inform you that today the Peace Corps Country Director in Azerbaijan received a call from a high-level government official in Azerbaijan advising her that they want to cancel the entire Peace Corps training class. This means that you will not be traveling tomorrow to Philadelphia and then to Azerbaijan to serve as a Volunteer.” It was 16 hrs. before I was supposed to board my flight and I doubted if the Peace Corps is a satirical comedian capable of an April Fool’s Day prank. The email went on to explain that they are hopeful my Placement Officer will be able to identify another assignment, elaborating that the US Government is trying to obtain clarification as to why they canceled at such a late date in the process. No explanation ever came.
The postings on the AZ-12 (Azerbaijan’s 12th Volunteer group) Facebook page exploded.
Barah wrote: “was that phone call i just had serious?”
Alison, “April Fools???” “I mean I hope their kidding... Just quit my job and sold everything I own to be told I'm not going the day before I ship out...”
Danielle, “This will be my second short-notice reassignment. First Ukraine, and I was notified a month beforehand. Now Azerbaijan, notified the day before departure...”
Joey, “I put my whole life on hold and idk what to do if this doesn't work out” “What about student loans?”
Then, Susan had this sobering comment, “I'm extremely upset about this and have absolutely no idea how I'll manage the next several months. However, moving myself an inch off devastation, and hopefully not sounding too Pollyanna, I'm also realizing that the "business" we're in is to come to know others who're emerging from war, dictatorship, pestilence, starvation, mass murders and all the rest of it. I guess this devastation is a small taste of what they've been through and for us is really a first-world problem as we try to enter third-world countries. This news jars my expectations in one of those damn personal growth ways. God, I hate that sometimes. But even at my advanced age, I keep learning that "it's always something" as Gilda said when she got her cancer diagnosis. I've even had cancer myself and I guess I can take this thing one day at a time.” I closed my computer.
Sitting in the recliner there was a comforting silence, a heaviness that sucked my body deep into the chair. Darkness enveloped the house as I closed my eyes, pausing the world. Thoughts rushed by and my mind went quiet. I was weightless for a moment feeling heaviness and lightness at the same time. The thought that Jim was to take me to the airport in the morning tugged at me. The chair released its grip and I called him.
“Hi”
“How’s it going? Are you ready to go?”
“I’m not going, they canceled.”
Our conversation continued and when I reflect on what was said I hear Charlie Browns teacher speaking, waa wa waa wa waaa… Jim was my boyfriend and the person that gave me the most comfort. I remembered him asking me, “Do you feel like going to dinner?” I said, “yes, I need to get out of the house.” He picked me up and took me to one of our favorite restaurants. We sat at the bar and only a few words dripped from our mouths. I picked at my food and proceeded to drowned the day in a glass of wine. That night I surrendered into Jim’s embrace, but sleep was elusive and I didn’t want him to let go. In the morning my tea was waiting for me when I emerged from his room. He made breakfast and I picked at my food. Jim took me back to Lisa’s where I had been camping out since a few weeks prior to my departure. I signed a long-term lease allowing tenants to rent my furnished house for a year with the option of renewing. The Peace Corp required friends sighn a notarized letter stating that they were going to watch over the house while I was gone and obtain new tenants if needed, I couldn’t have any remaining responsibilities in the US. I was hopeful I could continue to stay with Lisa while I sorted things out.
Jim and I sat in his truck in Lisa’s driveway. He impatiently waited for me to exit the vehicle stating “I’m late for work.” I asked, “Could I see you tonight? I don’t want to be alone.” he said, “I will call you on my way home.” He didn’t call. He was ready for me to leave.
I finished my Peace Corps application in December of 2012, the month my company told me they didn’t have the funding to complete the software product I was managing. When I felt consumed by corporate life I often pulled up the Peace Corps application and continued to meander through it. This distraction went on for years with periods when I needed to start over because of system upgrades. My interview was in January of 2013, the same year I turned 50. Three months later I received a nomination to serve and written in the email was this; “Congrats on your nomination!  Remember, a nomination is not a guarantee of service, but is cause for excitement – it’s farther than many applicants get.  Don’t make major life changes just yet. Save those until after receiving an invitation, should that happen.” The invitation had a “potential” departure date of April 5th and my assignment, to be a Community Economic Development (CED) volunteer. To work with development banks, nongovernmental organizations and municipalities on encouraging economic opportunities in communities. I was going to be teaching people how to sell their products and teach the basic computer skills needed to be successful in the new world. OK, I know what you’re thinking… teaching people how to be capitalists. The exact thing I was trying to get away from. Ironic isn’t it. It was emphasized throughout the entire process to be flexible and open minded, to be aware that anything can happen. Peace Corps has no provisions for when a country cancels, as in your service, you are on your own.
During my long discussion with the Placement Officer I was given two options, Kenya or Botswana, to work on HIV/Aids programs. I read a bit about crime, living conditions and weather. I looked at the scribblings on Facebook from Peace Corps applicants finding community economic development (CED) opportunities in Macedonia and Armenia. I unpacked a few essential items, reluctantly started using the toiletries I meticulously packed, and continued to stumble over my suitcase, duffle bag and backpack. Macedonia was on the historic silk road, close to friends in Europe and I knew something about its history. Crime was practically non-existent and exponentially less crimes were targeted toward women. Armenia was similar to Azerbaijan and had much less crime and violence than Africa.
April 1st became April 3rd and I let it all unravel. The postings were steady on Facebook.
“So I've accepted my invitation to Macedonia. Is anyone else going there too?”
“I'm also going to Macedonia (CED) now instead of Armenia TEFL {which honestly I'm happy with, because I hesitated switching programs}.”
“Good for you. Macedonia looks like the most logical placement for me also. Did they indicate how many openings are still available? I haven't gotten THE CALL yet https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/f4c/1/16/1f642.png:) and am feeling the pressure”
“they didn't say a number, but did note it was limited, which is why I accepted it pretty much right away. Formal invites will be sent to those who accepted next week per my placement officer”
“armenia in august or else i'm waiting on thailand in january. any opinions? i'm tefl”
“macedonia.......i think?”
“Armenia it is. Bina assures me as best she can that it won't also be cancelled. Still, I'm watching the Georgia departure in three weeks. Wish I felt more confident. The Azerbaijan situation is looking increasingly internal, but the external tensions for that area make me unsettled - though probably more than they should be. I just don't want to get shot in the other foot in five months https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/fcb/1/16/1f641.png
“Not that I know a thing about what's going on specifically for us ex-AZ12s, but I've been reading today about NATO / Russian relations and am trying to think positively about our being kept in safety. NATO is establishing a presence in the Black Sea (and boosting military in the Baltic Sea). Whether there's a military show-down or a cold war standoff, that area is in for a protracted time of tension and volatility. And reading about things like "missle striking range" doesn't help either. To be near or under passing military action from the air is not where I want to be right now, to say nothing about ground troops and 3rd WW scenarios involving other countries. There's a PC departure for Georgia coming up in 3 weeks. Hhmn. Wonder if that cancellation is next. I'm thinking I'll put on a heavy sweater and go sit on the porch with my face pointed towards a slowly warming sun and ponder South America for a while.”
The next day there were more posts on Facebook
“I just got off the phone (with the wrong person...) they just finished a meeting and everyone has been put on a list to call and will get a phone call today or tomorrow. Question is it true that everyone will have to wait 16 weeks before they are reassigned?”
“^omg is that really the expected turn around? 4 MORE MONTHS?”
“Yeah...I just got my phone call...apparently they want me to wait 4 months....wtf.”
“They had always told me 16 weeks when I was originally trying to reinstate after my evacuation from Fiji...”
 “Botswana! Doing HIV/AIDS capacity building leaving August 10th
 “She asked me if I wanted Africa or Pacific Islands...I chose the latter and she said she would send me an email and hopefully by next week I will receive an invitation.”
“I'm TEFL and was told possibly Macedonia in September. We'll see!”
“I've heard AMAZING things about Macedonia for what it’s worth”
“Well I just heard from the placement office, was anyone else offered Macedonia or Tonga?”
“Just got my call... Macedonia is on the table for most CEDs. leaves mid Sept.”
I posted this on Facebook, “Botswana, or Kenya... They handpicked me for Botswana for AIDs outreach, but not sure I want to go there. Kenya is similar, but also community outreach for managing budgets and households. What are you going to be doing in Armenia?
SUSAN: “CED very similar sounding to Azerbaijan, but with a friendlier, more supportive government (!) And hey, maybe not as polluted? I'll be lookin' into it. Africa for you? That could be very nice. I can hear the music now - very loose, lots of laughter, and warm!”
Sarah, “I had Macedonia or Tongo and I chose Macedonia because of it's history, culture and proximity in Europe.”
Joey, “Not sure how I feel yet about Botswana, just because it is sooo different than Azerbaijan
Mollie, “but you'd be with me in Botswana!!!! https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/f4c/1/16/1f642.png:)”
People were starting to post information about Botswana. Several of the AZ-12s were going there and excited about it.
I posted this on the AZ-12 Facebook page on April 3rd. “Has anyone been offered Botswana, or Kenya? They hand picked me for Botswana because of my business and marketing background. It's an AIDs outreach program”
Isaac, “I did! I'm probably going to accept.”
ME, “Isaac, is that Kenya, or Botswana?”
Isaac, “Botswana! You should join”
Joey, “I got Botswana”
Joey, “Isaac you got Botswana too???”
Isaac, “Yep. Sounds pretty excellent. That would be tight to get a contingent of pc-az peeps out to Botswana”
Joey, “I believe there are a couple of us, Jamie Barnett and Mollie Munro for sure.”
Jamie, “Yeah I got Botswana too! I'm super excited!”
Mollie, “Bots is gonna be great!!!!!”
My call with mom and dad was difficult. Mom kept interrupting me and dad was quiet. The most poignant thing he said was, “Do you still have to go?” Mom was obviously upset and got angry with me for not letting her talk. Before I hung up Dad asked, “Do you need anything?” I said, “I could use a little cash.” He was a good provider and always able to offer monetary support. “I gotta go. Love you!” “Love you too sweetie,” dad said softly. Mom added, “I love you honey.” I didn’t want to be on the phone and after we hung up mom sent me this email.
I wanted to say some things but each time I was ready talk, I appeared to be talking over you.
What is the polite way of talking on the phone?  I always thought when one person said a
complet thought the other person on the other end, could comment.

I guess that isnt' trrue any more???

Love ya,
MOM”

I wrote

“I know you were just excite to speak with me and wanted to get in your input and support. 

Usually I wait for a pause. It's hard to know when a thought is completed. You might think it is, but then the other person has more to add.”

I didn’t have the energy to deal with her emotions on top of my own.
The next call was Friday and the Placement Officer knew about the opportunities in Macedonia. I questioned why she hadn’t mentioned them to me. “It was because of your age,” she said, “You would need to sign a release stating you’re OK with not having access to recommended yearly mammograms.” I hesitated. “Is there anything else in eastern Europe?” “What about Armenia?” Agitated and impatient she elaborated, “We handpicked you for Kenya and Botswana because of your marketing background.” We were supposed to be open to any assignment anywhere and while I had written in my application that I would be happy with 99% of the possibilities, I wanted to remain 1% in control. Defaulting on Botswana I surrendered then hung up the phone.
Later that day an email arrived with the assignment details, the Botswana handbook and guidelines for applying that gave me until that next Monday to finish the application. I wasn’t sure where in Africa Botswana was. I reviewed my list that ranked the regions I was interested in;
1. Eastern Europe and Central Asia                    4. Caribbean
2. Asia,                                                                  5. Africa
3. North Africa and the Middle East                    6. Pacific Islands
I didn’t include South and Central America because I wasn’t fluent in Spanish. Africa had very high crime rates compared to the other regions, and violence toward women was exponentially high. There were multiple death threatening diseases and parasites. I would’ve signed the release.
My Buddhist teachings were prowling, attempting to remind me to be present, mindful and let go of ego. This wasn’t about me. It was a selfless act, a way to repay the debt I generated by participating in corporate greed, to give back and rationalize that I was actually doing something valuable with my life.
It was toward the end of my employment with BroadVision when I felt I was enabling perverse corporate greed. BroadVision created the backbone for eCommerce and eFinancial solutions. I ended up there after a wonderful career working with companies transitioning from analogue to digital film in their post-production process. This transition empowered more creativity and freedom of expression in motion pictures, but Kodak dissolved our division on the precipice of that digital revolution. After being laid off from Kodak I took a contract position at Netscape where I helped companies create portals designed to manage content on the Internet. Netscape was bought by AOL, my group was broken up and my manager moved to Portland recommending me for his wife’s position at BroadVision. I help companies like Grainger, Sears, and the U.S. Postal Service put up their first eCommerce websites. I was responsible for helping companies build business rules designed to sell more products, to write the rules that pressured people to purchase other products after they put something in their cart. The goal, to get the shopper to buy something they didn’t necessary need through manipulation, “Other items you may need…” “People bought these…” “You might need this if you already bought that.”
It was 10pm in the middle of a cold blistery Chicago winter and there was three of us sitting in a conference room reviewing business rules. I was wearing my long wool coat and my fingers began to lose their dexterity as I shuffled through the papers. It became more difficult to grip a pen or turn the pages and separate papers that stuck together because of the static that hung in the air. I was at Granger’s headquarters, the largest industrial distributor in the world and they turned off the heat at 6pm. Every week I left sunny California to travel to the suburbs north of Chicago where I endured the cold gray winter I left five years ago. I was the lead for the content management system that managed where and when certain products were displayed based on the business rules associated with them. Grainger distributes well over one million products globally and sells everything from aerosol can recycling equipment to engines and toilet seats to post it notes. They wanted to grow and be the first company in their space to have a complete online purchasing environment. This project was the one that pushed me over the edge, pushed me to walk away from lucrative stock options and become a ski bum, to live in Truckee, CA for the winter.

The weekend that I was given to finalize my application for Botswana I weaved research with skiing and continued to stumble over the 3 large bags that cluttered the tiny room I was occupying. The Botswana handbook talked about corruption and crime rates and how they compared to other African nations, the statistics from 2012 rated crime as one of the lowest in Africa and corruption similar to Portugal. I read over the safety and security risks, scrutinized the Peace Corps crime data, looked up the average temperatures and climate, reviewed the living conditions, again, and read over the assignment; to be a Local Government Capacity Builder and help with education, marketing and support for HIV and AIDs. In the crime data I don’t remember reading information about how Peace Corp Volunteers are targets or in particular how white women are targets in Africa. I didn’t think to research these statistics, there probably weren’t any that specific anyway. I didn’t think about comparing the crime rates in the “other” regions of Africa to Botswana. There was also no disclaimer stating that the Peace Corps crime data was based on unprovoked incidences, or what the Peace Corp considered unprovoked, I remembered to breath.